Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
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Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
A duv-egg? In this economy?
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…