Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done

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*In fancy restaurant*

Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?

Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh


oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out


Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*

Guy: *stunned silence*

-Single Mama on a date


Can’t believe there are so many songs about love and only one where someone welcomes someone else to a jungle.


waiter: and for you sir?

me: just a water [remembering my date is religious] but make it holy


Do girls that make duck faces in pictures walk in a V formation at the mall?


Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb


Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.


All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.