*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
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oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
‘Don’t you ever wonder why I don’t pick up?’
~my voicemail greeting
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Can’t believe there are so many songs about love and only one where someone welcomes someone else to a jungle.
waiter: and for you sir?
me: just a water [remembering my date is religious] but make it holy
Do girls that make duck faces in pictures walk in a V formation at the mall?
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.