Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
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I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
I’d hang this in my house.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*