@WouldbeAllen

Midwife: It’s a boy, ma’am.

Mrs Dickens: Edward. Edward’s a nice name, isn’t it, dear?

Dickens: LET’S CALL HIM OPPROBRIOUS FRILLYBOCKER

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@FilthyRichmond

Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)

@XplodingUnicorn

My toddler stole bacon off my plate.

We all had a good laugh.

Then I made her move out.

@Shade510

My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.

@carlyken

“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”

@caithuls

[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂

@PleaseBeGneiss

First person to eat a banana: this is not good

First person to peel a banana: dude guess what

@3sunzzz

M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?

Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.

M: Well, I’m Ursula.

@envydatropic

I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase