@WouldbeAllen

Midwife: It’s a boy, ma’am.

Mrs Dickens: Edward. Edward’s a nice name, isn’t it, dear?

Dickens: LET’S CALL HIM OPPROBRIOUS FRILLYBOCKER

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@simoncholland

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.

@CopBroughtPizza

“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”

– my first and last day as a defense attorney

@JBusch260

“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”

Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :

@Parentpains

Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.

@Brampersandon_

[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”

[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?

[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”

@Henry_3000

I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.

@DaddyJew

Jesus:*turns water into wine

Guy: thanks but I’m in AA, I’ll just have the water

J: *not knowing how to turn it back* well this is awkward

@FuckabillyRex

If you didn’t wanna see 157 pictures of me eating cake, you shouldn’t have put me in charge of the PowerPoint presentation, boss.

@bacon_gillepic

Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*