Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
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If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.