I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Might get a face tattoo that says: make good choices
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having an heated argument with my toaster.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
The awkward moment when Lady Gaga has no idea what to wear for halloween.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave