Might get a face tattoo that says: make good choices

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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me:I’m cute?

Cop: Nope

Me: you like my car?

Cop: Nope

Me: I could do this all day.


Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha

Me: I don’t get it

Early bird: I do


In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.


Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you



I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field


If the earth IS flat then maybe dinosaurs live on the other side, and we keep digging up their dead and buried.


Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?

Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.