@BoogTweets

Might get a face tattoo that says: make good choices

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@tkhan74

I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.

@ndiquote

can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.

@awkwardphilippe

“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days

@ChaseMit

Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.

@GrantTanaka

wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why

@abhorrent_wife

Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.

@gringothespice

My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.

@Book_Krazy

Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people

Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave