Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
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“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520