@Robski_Boy

Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.

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@Divergentmama

Me: I’m so tired of being stuck at home – I’d give anything for a reason to leave

*gets email that sports practices start next week*

Me: not like that

@Ohloowatoscene

Marriage is sweet, but when you marry the wrong person, it’s like COVID-19 you will be recording new cases everyday🤧

@hippieswordfish

*guy collapses*
ICE CREAM MAN: does anyone know CPR
DOCTOR:*looks at ice cream cones in both his hands, looks up, then slowly walks away*

@kibblesmith

In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.

@psybermonkey

[Deli]

Me: can I get a children’s sub

Employee: sure thi-

Elon Musk: move over I got this

@ActualPerson084

FIRMS YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF OFFERING SERVICES YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND AT PRICES THEY REFUSE TO DISCUSS.

@Cryptoterra

NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money

@imasmartass37

A cyclist told me to share the road, so I threw a piece of asphalt at him.

@WarrenHolstein

Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.