@Robski_Boy

Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.

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@iGreenGod

I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..

@TheDairylandDon

Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.

@TheAlexP

Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.

@TeaBeaPea

Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?

@noog

The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.

@fookmusic

Gas is like $40/full tank

Carrots are like $1/pound

Ya boi is getting a horse.

@justokpanda

Me: I just don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

Dermatologist: As we’ve discussed, the sun doesn’t have feelings and won’t know it’s been blocked.

[later]

The Sun: *gasps* that BITCH

@FancyNancyAnn

I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.

@215potter

If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.

@enigmaterics

Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.