Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
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Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.