Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
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My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
welcome back
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Social distancing in Australia:
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?