migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
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Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?