Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
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Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*