Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
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Are you a cat person or a person person?
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”