Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
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A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.