Mike Tyson’s apartment building
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😅😅😅
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Who called it baking and not making love
The little toadstool has spoken.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Goodnight 🐶
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!