Mike Tyson’s apartment building
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*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.