Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
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Oh, you said floppy DISK.
*pulls pants back up*
Yeah, I don’t know what that is.
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
My job is like defeating a final boss in a video game: I spend hours doing it, and when I finally do, it doesn’t matter to anyone else.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
The big book of baby names but for safe words
wife *opens First Aid kit*
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit