[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
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Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Meghan Markle is going to be bummed when she finds out that her royal duties include getting up at 3:00 every morning to wind up Big Ben.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
Sometimes you can’t just tell your kids to make good choices, you have to show them.
Which is why I’m having strawberry toaster strudel and carrot cake for breakfast.
Eat your fruits and veggies kids!
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
If what people thought of you, what you thought of yourself and who you really are ever met, the three of you wouldn’t recognize each other.