mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
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Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy