MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
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If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.