Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
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Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Breaking news:
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
#ParentingFacts
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.