Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
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Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
concern
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
good work, everybody
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.