Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 馃槼 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
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Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
me: why do you think my parents don鈥檛 love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
馃幍 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 馃幎
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you鈥檙e gonna turn me down and I鈥檒l have to yabba dabba do it myself
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Wifi so slow at my parent鈥檚 house that we actually got to know each other better.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I鈥檓 sure.
Me: You鈥檙e cranky.
Wife: I鈥檓 not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you鈥檙e in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m鈥檚 you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it鈥檚 just a thicc m&m and that鈥檚 the m&m i鈥檇 like to be if I were an m&m
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
馃槜馃挩
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u