Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
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FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
File under excellent bookstore names.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.