@offbeatoliv

Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…

Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!

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@ramjitsingh_

It’s bad when you accidentally tell a 9 year-old child, “Stay in drugs, don’t do school” in a serious tone.

@HomeProbably

It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life

Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle

@TheAlexNevil

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.

@KML658

Went to type in build a bear and accidentally googled build a bar. Better idea, I know

@bourgeoisalien

the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead

@jdbalani

Define Marriage: It’s a way through which two people join together to solve the problems they never had before.

@CruisinSoozan

While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.

@thatUPSdude

50 Cent has filed for bankruptcy, he will now be known as 50. Story is he doesn’t have a cent to his name.

*drops the mic walks away*

@Remiel

Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.