@TheRealPalMal

“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.

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@UncleDuke1969

If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.

I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.

@stayathomies

Let’s play a game.

What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.

A: A teddy bear

B: A blanket

C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush

@thejayroyal

A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.

@Brianhopecomedy

*presses wheelchair accessible button*

*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*

“We’re here for a haircut.”

@WhaJoTalkinBout

The Terminator: I need your clothes

Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull

The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work

Me: *holding up a leg* PULL

@robfee

Here lies Aunt Brenda. Trampled to death on the day after Thanksgiving trying to save $18 on a crock pot. Rest in peace, sweet angel.

@dril

The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars

@mutedclamor

I thought this hot Egyptian chick was hitting on me but she was just trying to lure me into a pyramid scheme. 🙁

@ksujulie

“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”

— Advent door 21

@Brianhopecomedy

I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.