“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
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The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?