“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
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A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*