“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
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Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Truly one of the great bangers
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.
But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?
My husband:
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.