@bombsydoll
@JKNenagh
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
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@JKNenagh
@Marlinaire
Trail mix? You mean M&M’s with obstacles.
@OllyiConic
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
@aissalanis
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
@Parkerlawyer
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
@Brianhopecomedy
Let my 4 year old score his first goal on me in hockey & he said, “NA NA, you couldn’t stop me!” so he also received his first cross-check.
@Brampersandon_
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
@dannyboy7813
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
@ShortSleeveSuit
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
@rainerfm
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.