We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
You Might Also Like
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Morning my dudes.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Still my favourite meme.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
I think we should hear other voices.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.