My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
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Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
No chill.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful