@markydoodoo

Milk toast was probably named by same lazy guy that named the fireplace and waterfall.

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@LoveNLunchmeat

I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.

@SortaBad

TWITTER

2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral

2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable

2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater

2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[restaurant]

me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*

@DamienFahey

“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.

@rockymomax

EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: what shall we worship?

EGYPTIAN KING: cats

@Bratterina

Simmer down with all the cheating bro, its a relationship not an Algebra exam.

@envydatropic

Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend

@YayatiSB

My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.

@LindaInDisguise

Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.