Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
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My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.