typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
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I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
I triple waxed for this?
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks