Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
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it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game