*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
You Might Also Like
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
I killed a man once, because killing him twice is a physical impossibility.
[guy who’s about to invent carbonation]
*drinking water* i wish this hurt
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.