[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
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Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.