[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
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I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot