Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
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Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Breaking news:
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.