Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
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I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK