Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
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Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.