millennial: i wish for death

boomer genie: did you say debt

millennial: no

boomer genie: too late

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Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link


I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.


Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!

I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.


The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?


Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?



One tall iced latte please

“Ok, can I have a name?”

Well ok but it really should come from your parents


I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.



teacher: you’ll use calculus one day

[AGE 40]

me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know


The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.