They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
millennial: i wish for death
boomer genie: did you say debt
boomer genie: too late
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Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Me: u can walk around without shoes
Me: but after a while it hurts your feet
Me: so time wounds all the heels
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
*bursts into bank
EVERYONE DOWN ON THE GROUND
*everyone lies down
EVERYONE CLOSE THEIR EYES
*everyone closes their eyes
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.