Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@gvicks

They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….

@SardonicTart

Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.

@RoosterMustache

Me: u can walk around without shoes

Teacher: right

Me: but after a while it hurts your feet

Teacher: ok

Me: so time wounds all the heels

@TheAlexNevil

[man walks into a bar]

Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!

@geowizzacist

Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.

@BBerrymore

The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate

@OhHiAlyPie

*bursts into bank
EVERYONE DOWN ON THE GROUND
*everyone lies down
EVERYONE CLOSE THEIR EYES
*everyone closes their eyes
EVERYONE NAP

@Cheeseboy22

“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.

@ReelQuinn

A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.

@KalvinMacleod

ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.