millennial: i wish for death

boomer genie: did you say debt

millennial: no

boomer genie: too late

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They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….


Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.


Me: u can walk around without shoes

Teacher: right

Me: but after a while it hurts your feet

Teacher: ok

Me: so time wounds all the heels


[man walks into a bar]

Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!


The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate


*bursts into bank
*everyone lies down
*everyone closes their eyes


“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.


A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.


ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.