Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
You Might Also Like
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.