Millennial1: What’s a Solar Eclipse?

Millennial2: When the moon photobombs the sun.

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[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]

Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!


Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.


[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine


I’ve been towing this guy around by a rope for years. When is he going to learn to do this by himself?

– dogs, maybe


Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:

Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.


Hubs proposed to me with a really cool flash mob and a medley of Nirvana hits.

JK. He was like, “I wanna marry you.” And I was like, “K.”


cop: stop you’re breaking the law

me: [floating in mid air] i hate newton’s laws


[getting dating advice from my dad]

Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid

“Well which one is it?”


What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.


Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you