“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
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Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Them: You should try keto
Me:
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs