Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
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The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”