Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
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I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
If there’s one thing that Twitter has taught me its that all the weird kids in school eventually find each other.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
According to the Internet:
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– Cures cancer.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
If it weren’t for twitter I wouldn’t know what it feels like to go unnoticed.
Just kidding, I’m married. I know exactly how that feels.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave