@ohmygrapeness

Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.

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@LurkAtHomeMom

Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.

@ramblinma

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

@SketchesbyBoze

my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”

@littlekitnerboy

If there’s one thing that Twitter has taught me its that all the weird kids in school eventually find each other.

@TweetsByTheTony

Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra

@noogscorner

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.

@carlyken

I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant

@FierceMess

If it weren’t for twitter I wouldn’t know what it feels like to go unnoticed.

Just kidding, I’m married. I know exactly how that feels.

@Nikkeya08

Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”

@DirtMcTurd

If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave