Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
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My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Friend: what time do you usually go to bed?
Me: 10:30ish sometimes 4
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Offering a service where you pay $15 and I protect you for the night. I will be your personal gargoyle. I will perch myself above your bed in your room, and watch over you as you sleep.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
I am at my most drunk when I go from chat room to chat room yelling WHO STOLE MY POPTART!!