Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
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Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
one of
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.