If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
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– Baby, I can’t sleep.
– And it was pissing you off that I could?
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
dexters lab creator: ok so he’s a boy genius
creator: who hates his sister
executive: is that it?
creator: [sweating] and uh… has a made up accent for no reason that no one else in his family has
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”