Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
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Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.