uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
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My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?