Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
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I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
oh shit
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
My dryer is celebrating lint.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
#Caturday
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
😍😂🥰😂😍
Finally!
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant