Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
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“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Salad is the decaf of food.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.