I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
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Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT