@WilliamAder

Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.

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@IamJackBoot

If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.

@clichedout

me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: you’re not even a suspect

me: I just wanted u to know

@copymama

9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.

@david8hughes

“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”

@OBiiieeee

i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing

@Angrea

OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!!
But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer.

She never even knew.

@Jubafisher

If you’re having a rough day, remember there are people out there with their ex’s names tattooed on them.

@ArfMeasures

Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds

@djdarrellripley

Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.

Me: Yes, but do go on…

@TheToddWilliams

[office]

JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha

{later}

HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie

JERRY: Bessie?

HR: In accounting

JERRY: Uhโ€ฆ

HR: The dairy cow

JERRY: Oh right, Bessie

HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-

JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going