If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
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me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!!
But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer.
She never even knew.
If you’re having a rough day, remember there are people out there with their ex’s names tattooed on them.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
HR: In accounting
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going