Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
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If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza