Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
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Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis