Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
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[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.