Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
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Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
ouch
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED