[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
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Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.