Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
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Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.