[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
You Might Also Like
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Lmbo
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.